down time

today is the first day
of what’s left of my life
today is the last day
of the dead man’s journey.

today I don’t poison myself for a pension
today I don’t soil my spirit
today I don’t split my soul.

yesterday I was
lightning in a bottle
a watermelon on the vine
a rocket on the pad.

today I’m a rusty old pile of railroad spikes
tossed together in a heap by the tracks
wondering why the trains don’t come anymore.

today I’m quiet
today I don’t speak
today I listen.

today I walk the circle
that leads to the center
from the outside
to the inside
and back again.

today I know that I’m only a sparkle of sunlight
shimmering on the surface of an ageless sea
today I hear the blade cutter in the distance
but I know it’s not for me
today I know the scariest thing I’ve ever known
that I can’t make my life
the life I thought it would be
not today
maybe tomorrow
but not today.

(PDF version)

Iron Man Family Outing - latest reader reviews

Here are a few highlights from recently posted reader reviews for Iron Man Family Outing at Amazon.com:

* Jason Fierstein of Phoenix Men’s Counseling praised the book’s “use of metaphor” and said the “poems are very transformational, and really give a voice to the modern male experience - one which is frequently (and unfortunately) not discussed.”

* Jack Kammer of The Center for Men and Boys in Social Policy commented on the isolation many men feel with their so-called “personal problems” and said the book “makes it unmistakably clear that any man who sometimes feels alienated from his best hopes and from his own, best, most cherished view of himself is most decidedly not alone.”

* Life/Executive Coach Sean Casey LeClaire said that “Belden explores the shadow side of the male journey” and added that the book “comes at a wonderful time, as millions of men find themselves without work … the opportunity to face themselves with courage and decency, which Rick’s poems do, is most timely.”

The complete archive of reviews for the book is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

“gift (iron man dream #3)” at Carnival Against Child Abuse

My recent post “gift (iron man dream #3)”, an excerpt from my book Iron Man Family Outing, is one of many posts featured in the June 2009 edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, which is hosted this month at the Picture of Experience blog. The theme this month is fathers and parents.

Life Beyond Trauma: Dissociation and Sexual Trauma Conference, Dallas, TX, October 2009

I’m pleased to announce that I’m on the list of planned presenters for the upcoming Life Beyond Trauma: Dissociation and Sexual Trauma Conference to be held in Dallas, TX, October 2-4, 2009. I’ll be sharing poems from my first book, Iron Man Family Outing, and my upcoming second book to illustrate how creative expression can be used to improve self-awareness, unlock one’s personal mythology, and provide access to a rich set of tools for self-healing and recovery from childhood abuse.

I’ve been reading through the presenter descriptions and I’m impressed to see what a diverse group of people and points of view conference organizer Melody Brooke has assembled for this event. I’m especially pleased to see that my friend and ally Steve Bevan, founder of AMSOSA UK, will be making the trip from the United Kingdom to present two workshops.

This is shaping up to be a great conference and I’m excited to be a part of it. I’ll share more news about the event and my participation in it as information becomes available. For additional info and updates, you can visit the conference web site at: http://www.lifebeyond.info.

gift (iron man dream #3)

I’m in new york to visit my mom + dad
they’re still living together
in the house our family moved out of 20 years ago
they don’t appear to have aged since that time.

my dad seems unhappy + remorseful about his life
not the angry man I knew
he seems sad about his relationship with me + anxious
to make some kind of connection between us.

he + I are standing in the
big doorway of the garage he built
this is dad’s territory
mom stays in the house.

he gives me a real old iron man comic book
but first he goes through it
tearing out stuff he says I’m not supposed to see
stuff that has something to do with work
his deletions appear random to me
I can’t see a pattern of anything sensitive
in what he removes.

he describes in great detail the way iron man moves
including the precise number of seconds it takes
for iron man to respond to an attack
then dad asks me how long it takes
for me to respond to an attack.

the iron man comic he gives me is a one time only
special issue
this is the one I’ve been searching for
the one where iron man’s face mask changes
from pointed + horned
to rounded + smooth.

in this issue
iron man reveals that he is actually a monk
when questioned
he explains that the monk is the other side of
his usual playboy/inventor/materialist identity.

in the dream
I recognize this comic book as
a very special gift from my dad
something important to him
something he’s saved for a long time
it’s a peace offering
something we both value.

in the dream
I feel touched yet saddened
our communication is still so indirect.

a comic book is no substitute
for a warm hug + loving words
between a father + a son.

(PDF version)

fused at the wound

is it love or is it addiction
why not both
she knows tears + I know anger
together we almost made a whole person for a while
fused at the wound.

but our little house of lies isn’t big enough to hold us now
she won’t stand up for herself + I can’t stand up
for both of us at the same time anymore
so we ride the broken lover’s seesaw of staying + leaving
one foot in + one foot out
we dance in the kitchen like unloved children + wait
for fulfillment of old pain’s expectations.

so anxious to leave
so anxious to be left
so anxious to be right
so anxious to be hurt
so anxious to be disappointed
so anxious to be alone again.

when this whole thing started
I wanted us to be immersed in each other
I wanted us to fix each other
I thought that was what people were supposed to do
I don’t want that anymore
I don’t need that anymore
but I still don’t know
how to love someone I don’t want to fix.

(PDF version)

affection affliction

she’s a
token of his affection.

she’s
tokin’ up his affection.

she’s
taken up his affection.

she’s
taken up his affliction.

she’s
tokin’ up his affliction.

she’s a
token of his affliction.

(PDF version)

mother junkie

mother junkie has found a new fix
lonely + desperate
sick of trying
tired of waiting
this is the one.

no second thoughts
he takes her straight in
straight into his veins
straight into his bones
a double shot of morphine
right between the eyes
the visions come
fairy tale poison
she can save me.

no more pain
he lives again
no more doubt
he is strong again
no more fear
he is free again.

for now.

(PDF version)

isurvive.org - Abuse Survivors Learning to Thrive

I wrote a little post a while back about isurvive.org, a non-profit online community center for abuse survivors providing anonymous discussion boards, chat rooms, and other resources. Earlier this week, I learned from an isurvive member that there is a blog campaign currently underway to raise money to support the valuable services provided by isurvive. Helping is literally as simple as posting a blog entry, and you can read more about it here at My Monster Has a Name and also here at Faith Allen’s blog, Blooming Lotus.

This blog post is part of Zemanta’s “Blogging For a Cause” campaign to raise awareness and funds for worthy causes that bloggers care about.

“body memory” at Carnival Against Child Abuse

My previous post “body memory”, an excerpt from my book Iron Man Family Outing, is one of many posts featured in the May 2009 edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, which is hosted this month by Marj aka Thriver at the Survivors Can Thrive! blog.