“LIVING BEFORE WE DIE: Bringing Conscious Attention to Our Lives As Men” is an upcoming 10-meeting study and process group for men in the Austin area. The group will meet on Wednesday evenings beginning September 15 and ending November 17 at Sol Associates in Austin. It will be comprised of 5-6 members along with group leader Steve Milan and assistant leader Rupesh Chhagan.
Material from Iron Man Family Outing and Scapegoat’s Cross will be used in the group as follows:
The group will do a small amount of reading each week from writings by David Deida, Rick Belden, Chogyam Trungpa and others as a starting point for seeing our full role in the world. We will explore mindfulness, and use this skill to explore barriers to authentic engagement with ourselves and our world.
I’m honored that some of my work will be included as a resource and encourage men in the Austin area to consider what they might gain from participating in this group experience.
For full details about the group, click here. For additional information, contact group leader Steve Milan.
D.E. Stafford, a psychotherapist and author located in Cambridge UK, recently published his first book, TURNED ON: Intimacy in a pornized society, and was kind enough to send me a review copy. Here’s a short description from the back cover of the book:
Written in three parts, TURNED ON allows the reader to inhabit the internal mindset of three people: Marc, a highly educated professional man who is a heavy user of pornography and telephone sexlines; his therapist, who facilitates the unfolding of Marc’s personal social history and the process of recovery; and Louise, the bright but lifetime disadvantaged telephone sexline worker whose story illuminates aspects of the wider effects of a pornized society, especially on women.
I’ll get to the point: this is a damn good book. The characters of Marc and Louise felt like real people to me. I cared about them, and I wanted to know what was going to happen to them. I also admired and enjoyed what I would call the “slightly shuffled” structure of the timeline of events in the book, which kept me a little off balance and disoriented as a reader, but in a good way that actually drew me more deeply into the experience of the book.
Another positive aspect of TURNED ON is well-articulated by therapist Patricia Mills, who said in her review of the book, “Refreshingly, the male isn’t demonised with only the woman being seen as victim. The gender issues raised were based on fact rather than emotion.” I would agree. I felt the presentation of gender roles and dynamics in the book was as skillfully balanced as it could possibly be.
In my review of TURNED ON at Amazon UK, I said, in part:
“Turned On” is a dark journey, to be sure, and not for the faint of heart or those who may be offended or disturbed by a frank presentation of the shadow side of human sexual experience. But more importantly, in my view, it is a journey of awakening to the possibilities of healing and positive change that can only come with a fully felt awareness of the truths of oneself, one’s history, and one’s life. And that is a journey well-taken.
Reading this book is a “stand in the fire” type of experience, and as such, is not for everyone. Some will find the subject matter and strong language used by the characters, not to mention their behavior (sexual and otherwise), objectionable. Others who are deeply sensitive and/or have a history of trauma may find that there are too many triggers. And some folks simply don’t want to know about these things, period. But for those who want to know, who need to know, and who understand that a walk through the darkness can lead to a deeper, more expansive experience of the light, this is a great and illuminating book.
For additional information or to order a copy of TURNED ON, visit wittingpress.wordpress.com.
This little exercise from Tom Golden, psychotherapist and author of Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing, caught my eye when he shared it on the APA Division 51 listserv yesterday, and I thought others might find it as interesting and informative as I did:
One of the exercises I use in trainings for therapists is to ask the audience to imagine they are going to dinner at their favorite restaurant. Give them a second to imagine that scene and then suggest they are being seated and as they walk to their table they see a woman who is crying over at a corner table. Ask them what their response is to her and then ask why they think she might have been crying. Invariably people will chime in and say things like “poor dear,” “she’s upset,” “she needs support,” “she probably just broke up with her boyfriend,” etc. There is usually a friendly and concerned tone to their responses.
Then I ask that they erase that image and go back to walking in the restaurant and being seated. Then I tell them that in the same corner table there is a man who is crying. What is their response to him and why do they think he might be crying? Usually the response is that he is likely drunk, that he is to be avoided, and that there is likely something wrong with him! LOL. Steer clear of that guy. People are usually fairly shocked at their own bias and they start to get a sense of the sort of minefield that men face in this sort of situation.
I really love this. If the dramatic contrast in reactions to the two situations doesn’t turn on some light bulbs in the audience, then the power must be off.
Here’s another excellent, thought-provoking little piece from Tom on the subject of men and crying:
“A Man’s Tears and His Family”
Great stuff and such an important topic, for men and women alike. For more information about Tom Golden and his work, you can visit his website, webhealing.com.
falling from sky
back into earth
water does not resist the fall
but instead
joins with gravity and finds its power.
it does not fear the lowest places
but rather
seeks them out
knowing that in the lowest places
water and sky are one again.
(PDF version)
floating up to the basement ceiling
looking down upon myself
so detached in disbelief
a very curious feeling.
watching myself lying helpless below
my own father’s fingers closing my throat
I guess I always
knew this would happen
I guess I knew it would
end up like this.
sixteen years old
my life leaking out
mom runs in and
saves the day.
sometimes I still feel his
hands on my neck
sometimes I still feel his
hate on my heart.
(PDF version)
Here’s a great little piece I discovered last month from poet Trisha Freeman. It stirs up a world of memory and feeling in me every time I read it.
a single thought
a newspaper rustles
a ball bounces
and I think of you
because that’s all I have now
well
have ever had of you
a thought on my brain
you gave me no more
so I left
and here I lay
with another man
in his bed
and it was only a few months ago
you were inside of me
and we talked about having babies
Trisha Freeman
Did you feel it? Bam! A little shot of reality, personal and true. Very tight, not a wasted word, and so real it hurts. This is the kind of poetry I like the best.
A full transcript for my appearance last September on The Secret Lives of Men with Dr. Chris Blazina on BlogTalkRadio, including Dr. Blazina’s post-interview discussion with Dr. Ryan McKelley, is now available as a PDF file by clicking here.
The audio version of the interview is available from a number of sources, including the “More” page on my website, as well as:
The Secret Lives of Men at BlogTalkRadio
The Secret Lives of Men on iTunes
In the Media: The Secret Lives of Men on the APA Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity Division 51 website
There’s a lot of good material in the transcript, but there’s one section I’d like to reproduce here because I think I did a pretty good job of articulating my approach, my motivations, and my intentions with regard to my book, Iron Man Famly Outing, and more generally, to my work and writing as a whole. Here’s what I said during my conversation with Dr. Blazina:
“I think it’s important to talk just a little bit about the reasons why I felt that it was important to put this material out.
“The book is basically structured as a progression through a series of different experiences and emotional and psychological states. And so there is, in some sense, there’s a flow from beginning to end there, and I think that when people read (the book) they see it. It might be a little different than other poetry books, in that really the poems actually are very interrelated, and they work with one another to tell the story.
“And for me, it’s the story of a period in my life that was highly transformational. And I had the sense, as I began to pull this all together, that this might actually be useful to other men as a pattern or a template or a map to kind of go into their own processes a little bit more deeply, and to give them some reference points in terms of feeling, in terms of developing a relationship where they get information from their bodies and their dreams, and to really give other people, men in particular, permission to open up to this stuff and share it with other people, at least with people that they’re close to, that they feel safe with.
“I was really moved to do a lot of this because I’d been in men’s groups and I’d seen men talk about things in ways that I’d never seen men talk before. I had close friends, we never talked like that, we never shared our emotions with one another. It wasn’t safe to do it. So I was really inspired by that, and my first purpose in doing this book was to open a window into my own process and complete the process for myself, but the larger purpose is to give the opportunity, the permission, and as I said, maybe a pattern or a template or a map for other men that feel ready to go a little deeper into themselves and find out what’s there …
“Really, I guess what I would say is that, in probably the most elemental way, the book is about progressing toward, not so much a resolution … it’s not a how-to book … it’s more about progressing toward a greater understanding, a greater awareness.”
It’s a little rough, but if I had to come up with a “mission statement” for Iron Man Family Outing, for my writing, and for myself, that would be pretty damn close.
Earlier this week, I restructured and expanded the preview page on my website for my new book, Scapegoat’s Cross: Poems about Finding and Reclaiming the Lost Man Within. The page now includes the full table of contents for the book, along with an expanded excerpt from the introduction and the following eight previously unpublished poems:
“wild cactus dancer”
“last trip to the doll house”
“shadow world monsters”
“how far down”
“secret children”
“waterfall”
“out of body”
“the day my father died”
I hope this new preview format with additional excerpts gives everyone a better sense of the full scope of the book and the material within. The preview page for Scapegoat’s Cross is located at http://rickbelden.com/new_book.
“Don’t try.”
- inscription on Charles Bukowski’s gravestone
A couple of weeks ago, a day or so before I left my job, one of my coworkers asked me, “So, what are you gonna do now?” I replied, “I’m gonna do nothing until I get bored, then see what happens.”
But doing nothing is harder than it might sound.
I’m now deep into my second week of freedom, and it’s already feeling substantially less strange than it did at first. I’m trying to do nothing as often as I can … trying not to try. Some days I feel like I’ve forgotten more than I remember about myself, and I wonder just how long it’s going to take me to bring myself back. I feel horribly and profoundly scattered a lot of the time, like pieces of me are floating around my nucleus waiting to coalesce into some new whole that I can’t yet comprehend.
I still have moments of almost paralyzing anxiety about my financial situation. When I think about working again, I can’t imagine going back to living in a cubicle with a computer, but I can’t imagine going forward into something else either, ’cause I still don’t know how to make a living doing what moves me. I seem to be more prone to mental thrashing than I have been in a long time, although thankfully I have a lot of skills and strategies now that help me recognize when I’m doing it and ease myself out of that state.
A couple of friends I trust have told me I need to get outta town, and I think they’re right, but so far it’s been more important for me to settle into myself, slow down to my own pace again, and get back to some of the basics that keep me centered and grounded: eating well, resting as needed, coming back into my body, breathing. In short, caring for myself as if I cared about myself. When I’m not doing that, I know I’m in trouble. It’s my foundation, and my foundation had been crumbling. I had my home cleaned last week and that’s made an enormous difference in how I feel and in my ability to focus and rest. Next on my list is taking care of some long-deferred vehicle maintenance and getting my daily walks going again.
I’m very glad now that I didn’t try to rush myself out of town before I felt ready. I think a little trip could be great for me, but I’ve got to get all four wheels back on the pavement again first.
There was an enormous amount of disintegration going on in my life during the last 2-3 months, far more than I consciously realized. As my situation at work deteriorated, the rest of my life was following suit. I was too immersed in the day-to-day struggle to survive to notice all the details, but I could feel the slide, even if I couldn’t do much to stop it.
Now, as I’m beginning to separate energetically and psychically from a job and a work environment that had become increasingly toxic for me, I’m beginning to come back to myself, beginning to reset and recover. It’s also getting easier, day by day, for me to “do nothing,” to surrender to the moment, to my feelings and my body, and see what happens. I’m gradually moving from “trying not to try” to “not trying to try.” And that’s a good sign that I’m on the right track.
wild cactus dancer
fiery blue-eyed imp
queen of the temper tantrum
treehouse nature girl.
stubborn and impatient
breasts like perfect teardrops
voracious wounded heart
swinging from man to man.
my love for you was animal fierce
and gravity absolute
heart love
brain love
beast love
soul love
you had me all the way
my life was bound to yours
every cell in my body
ate and drank and wept and slept with you
you swept through me like a blizzard
I wanted no one else.
I knew you before I knew you
we gave birth to one another
we howled together on hillsides in the dark
we flowed out of volcanoes hand in hand
burning everything in our path
merging and cooling
into lakes of glassy black diamonds.
I would’ve stood in the sun for you
until I burst into flames
I would’ve stood in the wind for you
until I was blown to pieces
but it wasn’t enough.
someone put a little black hole in your heart
I thought I could fill it up
I tried but I couldn’t
you needed more than I could give you
you could never believe that I loved you
no matter what I said
no matter what I did
you never knew
how completely
I adored you.
(PDF version)
